Sleepless

January 19th, 2021. I keep replaying this day, one moment that happened. Why can’t I shake this? I know I want to be ok and “normal” and fine. This day is a day I can remember because I was sober. The last time I wasn’t. This time being sober and no plan just impulse and in my head. This day I ended up driving. This day I ended up where I didn’t think I would be. January 19th 2021. I can remember.

She remembers.

I sat up last night and wasn’t able to fall asleep. I sat up and wondered what if. I sat up and tossed and turned. Just a few hours ago I wondered and knew it could have been so easy. There was someone there. There was a cop there. A state trooper. Thank you. They don’t even know why. They didn’t even know I was there. They didn’t even notice. They had a truck pulled over. I was there on the other side of the street but I still got out of the car. I still romanticized it all.

May sunset in Vermont.

Here we are today. How do I get this out of my head. Its known I’ve been struggling lately. I have been taking suggestions. I have been working a little harder in my program. I have been talking and being honest more. I’ve only been open about this in therapy and once with my doctor. Its part of my story but I don’t understand. Sobriety. Life. Struggles. What do I do?

Books

I didn’t know how much I needed this book. I finished the majority of it the first night I got it. Its also a journal/workbook which is kind of nice. I’ve had self injury journals before but it was more so tracking, feelings and flipping to positive thinking. It helped and I did realize some things. With this book it helps me see even more in depth things that people have already told me. But also explains things in a different way. In your face type of way. I also found some steps just like the 12 steps of AA that help me.

I’ve tried so many things in the past and each time I take something away from what I have learned. This is something I don’t talk about a lot but sometimes you need to talk about it. Its taboo. Its unspoken. Its hard. Its a big step for people. Its boundaries. Its trust. Its life. Its so damn hard sometimes.

*Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.*
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
From the book I am currently reading Rewrite.
🧡🙌

Those words. I’ll leave you with that right now.

May 29th!

What happened to the classic mode?!?!??!! Where did it go? I don’t like change lol

Whose ready?

I have only done one other 5k but to write love on her arms is a real thing in my life. I’m grateful to have this opportunity to support them and so many other people. Who else has signed up?

One day at a time.

My story is written throughout this blog and hopefully it reaches one person. You don’t have to do this alone. Thankful for all the people who are there for me. Lately it has been rough but I’ve been challenging myself a lot lately. I’ll write a post tonight about it. Stay strong and keep your head up friends. You’ve got this.

VHS player

Looks like life is about to get a bit more chaotic. We have been looking for a house since January and still have yet to find one. Here they are going so quick because of the market and our budget. Well now we have to be out of where we are by June which wasn’t the plan at all but thats just what apparently happens sometimes. So here we go. More packing and getting ready to head back to my moms soon.

Life, It isn’t like an old vhs player so I’ll just keep watching this movie and hope for the best.