We have a wedding today. Not certain I’m really excited about it today. Not certain of anything right now. Nothing bad. Nothing good. Just another day. I took that picture of the moon last night. I wish we had more things around the house or yard to take pictures of. Right now, it’s the sky and all the stars. It is fairly dark at the new house and I can see a lot of the constellations even if I don’t know them all.
I don’t like all the new updates and changes to this site. Maybe it’s because I’m only on it on my phone and not an actual computer. That might be better but I would only have time on Monday nights at work. Or because greyson just got a newer laptop I can use his old one. Whatever, either way.
Well I supposed its time to get ready this wedding. Wish me luck.
I feel the heat and the pain. I feel the word ‘no’ coming out of my mouth but I can’t hear my voice. I feel my heart racing but I’m paralyzed. For some it doesn’t matter and for me it’s the one thing that’s kept me going. ~C
Take me back. The feelings flooded in. Anxiety. Medication. I took the medication. I took the same pictures. I thought the same thoughts but this time I knew I wasn’t going to jump. But again how freeing.
I was the ocean, I was the galaxy, I was a girl just lost at sea. I was lost trying to find the real me, not the little girl they say I need to fund within me. ~C
Keep going. There will always be a struggle but what will we do about it? What will I do about it?
I can see that my blog prompts for August got me really far. One and done has never really been my sort of thing. Always one is never enough, keep going balls to the walls and why the fuck not. That being said a lot has happened. I haven’t gone back and reread any of my old posts lately. I haven’t had really a chance to sit and think for myself. What has been going on is that, well hold that thought. It’s going in one direction but I want to see what my last post says so I dont repeat myself so back to back. Ok, so I didn’t post about death already. At least not the most recent one.
We unpacked the office which lead to a small clean out of stuff. What we don’t need, what we can throw away and what isn’t needed what so ever. The unpacking lead to finding a lot of old journals. Most of them were from drunken stupor, blackouts, depression at its finest and way back when. I glanced at a few, nothing really new, shocking or surprising to me. I debated in my head for awhile whether I should keep them or not. I have been reminded to many times of my past, I’ve been reminded of so many things and I’m trying to let go. I decided it was time to throw them all away. Bagged them up, all the words, lines, memories written. I think about all the things that were in there but really what purpose does it serve me right now, none. So they are gone. What I did keep out of all of it is probably the worst part. That old middle school/high school depression I hate life kind of poetry. As the writing may not actually be that good but back then I was a pro – my feelings honestly haven’t changed much from them. I’ve just learned to keep it all in alittle better these days. I’ve learned to hide it all and just keep plugging away.
This post has sort of gone in a completely different direction than I was planning. That’s cool, I’ll save it for another day.
So my poetry, either you’ve got it or you don’t. You can or can’t. That’s what I used to think. I also kept it because it was something that wasn’t just mindless writing. I was actually focused on it. I had to think. I tried. I won’t say looking at it now that it was good by any means but to be that young and write stuff like that, so sad. I don’t think I really feel sorry for that girl or that I need to wrap arms around her and give her a hug for healing. I just feel like I’m in the same place sometimes mentally.
Full of poetry. Full of stories. Feelings. Life. Emotions. And honestly I don’t really even know if any of it is happy. Some I’m sure are but really wasn’t much to be happy about then. From 8th grade to probably college or later is in those four notebooks, folder and binder. Feelings I can’t always say out loud and something that I don’t know how to handle all the time.
It’s a new day right now then when I started writing everything above this. I don’t have much to say, I don’t have much more I can say on this right now but I keep writing about writing. I keep talking about it and the emotions that come with it. I keep going in circles so I will leave you with an old school poem. I will leave you with this and I will leave you with don’t ever stop writing. Take breaks. Listen. Find what you are looking for but don’t stop writing. Good and bad it may just come to you at random times. Keep it, throw it away it doesn’t matter. Keep writing.
When you can’t unhear the sounds that have brought you to your knees.
When you can’t unhear the voices that linger in the dark
When you can’t unhear the uneasy rustling of the leaves on a late October day in back corner of an alley way while you are tangled in someone’s arms you do not want to be in.
When you can’t unhear the motorcycles passing by
When you can’t unhear the ticking of a clock while waiting to see the one person you used to trust never to leave you and is now gone.
Today is the first day greyson and I have had a day off together in I don’t know how long. My schedule has changed and we finally now have two days off together from here on out which means…..the house will officially be put together by tonight and we are also having a date night today. I’m so grateful that this change has happened. He has an appointment this morning and then dunkin and off to the races! I can’t wait.
Another question, when does pumpkin spice come out at dunkin because I am ready! Like yesterday even though in these neck of the woods we have had a heatwave for the last 3 days. Humid and 90s. Gross.
The sunsets. The heat. A new day.
Day 13, Friday the 13th. How do I deal with anger? I have to talk it out. Sometimes cry. Therapy. Write. Photography and when I get quiet. Be worried. I mean really that’s it. Then it all gets figured out after all out.
Well today is day 9 of 10 at work. I put reminders on my phone to do the blog posts more but I have been slacking yet again. Im not going to say that anymore because honestly, when am I not. I was doing really well when I had the blog prompts so it might be time to go back to it.
August 11th. Absolutely. So many things have happened and I have always assumed the worst before I could think about anything good that might possibly happen. It’s how my brain used to work because I always went right to the negative and my sky was always falling. Call me chicken little right?
I could spend a lot of time telling you all the things that I thought were terrible but ended up being best day ever. Do I want to sit here and write it all out? Not really, if you go back far enough you will find all the answers.
Lunch break on day 8 of work. I’m not doing great today. Not terrible. Not great. Just was slightly ready to cry and I didn’t really know why but now I know why. A bout of grief. Feeling lost and want to be outside of myself. I don’t want to get rid of my bag yet but I think it’s happening Monday. I am not ready but I’m also the only one holding myself back. Maybe it will be freeing. Maybe I won’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I’ll feel everything.
Last year on this day after my celebration I went to Mother Cabrinis Shrine with two lovely ladies. This year I get asked to go with this gem. I think it will be a new thing to head there after my celebration to reflect and take in all the stillness. Thanks for asking me to go today. #odaat
To feel the stillness. The quiet. The company. The breeze and the sun which I normally do not like, was calming. It’s been awhile since I have really felt that. Yesterday I celebrated 5 years of being sober. Today I start my new journey on this chapter. I said I would get my camera back out and here it is.
These are phone photos but I still got out and started taking pictures.
We started cleaning some boxes yesterday. I had some plans today but plans change and thats ok. More to do later. More to do tomorrow.
Been awhile people. Sometimes I just get caught up in all the busyness of life as we all do. What has happened? What’s going on? What’s changed? Oh so many things where do I start? Do I share the story of us moving to our new home? Do I share the story where I’ve come to realize all the death and grief I’ve had this year? Do I share the story about the retired gangster cat? Do I post all the pictures and let them tell the story? There are so many possibilities we have in this life but we have to know our time is limited so what are we going to do with it? Time is just that, time. Its up to us to do the footwork, live the life and make the moves.
I’ve come to realize that my obsession to want to drink is gone. Coming into my 5th year of sobriety soon and talking with other alcoholics its something I never fully realized. I knew that when shit hits the fan that is what I used to run to. I used to crave that drink on the good days and the bad. I used to want the taste, the numbness, the buzz and the escape. Today I still know and I am aware of what that switch and “trigger” would be. I am aware but I don’t stay there waiting for that to happen. Inevitably it will happen, the trigger, but until that day comes, it is not today. Today I remember to be grateful for my struggles that have gotten me here. I am grateful for my friends and family. Today I will be grateful for opening my eyes. Almost 5 years sober, who knew this would be possible.
I haven’t been creative in my photography lately because it requires leaving the house. Lately I’ve been struggling with trying to find a new routine between leaving my part time job with amazing people. Penelope needing surgery again so not so many adventures. Settling into our new house. Meetings. Family. Relationships. Appointments and taking care of me. I want to get my camera back out and start seeing the world through the lens again and sharing it with you all but when will that be? I just have to do it right? I just have to get out of bed and do it. I have to be alive. I have to be a living human but so many days I feel like a robot. I know this week I have been making it a point to actually think about my camera more and want to get back out there. Maybe Sunday I will make this a priority even if it’s only for an hour. Photography was my go to and when thats gone, what do I do? Nothing. So I’m getting back to it. I will get back to it.
So that is just a small check in because again I have dropped off the face of the earth. Stay tuned for more story time and pictures. I’m going to start being a human again. It is time. It is tough but I don’t want to give up. I gave myself some time, I was fighting with myself constantly and dragging my ownself down. I have learned that I have flipped my thinking with somethings but not with others so I am only allowing myself to be stuck here and feel these feelings. I’m only allowing myself to live in this shit and self pity. I don’t disregard that I have had to deal with some heavy things this year but I have also had some beautiful things happen. One day at a time, I become a new me. A different me than yesterday. So here I am, a work in progress.