Two Sundays

Getting work done yesterday has made me realize what a future we have to look forward too. Words are just words. Actions speak volumes. Pictures can say 1,000 words. Resentments hinder my ability to be grateful at times. So as I learn and look forward to moving and having a final destination, today I will be grateful. This I am reminded is only temporary and for that it frees my mind to not do things that are unnecessary or cause more anxiety than excitement. We will be moving to our forever home next year and for now I will know I have my furs, the boy, family, friends and life. Four walls and a roof that is just a temporary home and nothing in life is definite. We have settled on pushing the wedding because we now have a new priority. We have shifted our focus and will be house hunting next spring to find out forever home. I let go of a resentment that pushed me into a tailspin and today I breath (as best I can with asthma and sometimes bad choices).
I have been feeling a lot and doing a lot of emotional work lately. This “quarantine” has taught me a lot about of life and myself, others and simplicity of life. I will be grateful for all the changes it has caused even if Im still uncomfortable with some. I have been doing a lot of different things in these last few weeks. Plant life, trying a bunch of “life hacks”, money saving alternatives, fixing things, ZOOM life and chats, therapy and photography, writing and trying to live life on life’s terms. I’ve cried more than once, laughed a whole lot and had multiple rides on an emotional rollercoaster – oh did I mention eating more snacks than humanly possible…
We are all in this together.

“Always stay humble and KIND!”

Thank you to all the people in my tribe, my crew, my humans and my family. Thank you Greyson
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So this week was a lot of trial and error, a lot of laughs and learning. This week was a lot of deep breaths and letting it go. This week we were both nonstop with yard work and projects, cleaning and throwing away.
Grateful 365 for you humans out there. Got to end it with catching up with Lil and Dave. So grateful!
Happy Sunday.
Good morning, good evening and good night.
🙌💯💙🙏

These were two posts from the last 2 Sundays in my life. I’ve been nonstop with stuff.

The first slide show is just some DIY and some trying new things. I have been keeping busy and just trying it out. It can’t hurt. It is distracting my mind and I am just seeing what comes of it. I get to try all of these new things out before we move to our forever home and then I will have a better grip on what does and doesn’t work. All a work in progress.

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Second slide show is just a little bit of photography life. Some things that have been going on. Things I have seen thru my eyes and my lens. Just living life. Seeing and trying new things. Sitting back and remembering. Thankful. Grateful. Blessed. So many feelings.

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So much has been going on. May mental health awareness month and I had plans. It just shows that when I think of something, it doesn’t always happen. So it is best to stick with a blog prompt if I am going to do this everyday. I don’t always feel like I have a lot to say but then sometimes you can’t shut me up.

On to the next

 

Trying new things

Plant life to keep things green and growing. They are getting bigger but I still have another week to wait and hopefully plant them. I’m scared they will die but if its meant to be, it’ll be. Isn’t that how that shitty song goes?

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I will literally sit at the kitchen table and just stare at them waiting for them to grow. I can notice a difference from day to day with some of them but not all. The tomatoes for sure are getting big. Beans and Pears are outta control. Cukes are doing good. Jade I can’t wait for it to get bigger! I by no means have a green thumb yet but I am happy to see them growing and like, I didn’t kill them. I like that I can grow my own food and hopefully when we find our forever home we will be able to do this year round. I also like the indoor plants that have duel purpose. Jade and aloe, great ones for air purifiers and aloe you can use for so many medicinal things. Still just learning!

I am also going to be trying this. We don’t have an ant problem but if it keeps other bugs away or we can spray it when we walk the dogs or if for any other thing just cleaning, that would be great too. We will see. I still have another week of letting it sit so I will keep you posted. Didn’t  do a big thing right now because we only get the little halo oranges and I want to see if it’ll actually work before I use all the vinegar in the house.

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Do any of you do this with your eggshells? We don’t have a lot of eggs in the house because I am allergic to them so we just to ever use them and he isn’t a big fan. Maybe? Thoughts? Worth a try?

That is all for my plant update and trying new things. I guess one thing I have done is try new things during this time of everything being shut down and changed and what not. Taking a step back. Breathing. Listening. Changing. New. I am not good at all of this and lately I am just unsure of where I am from day to day, I am more aware of my actual feelings. I am more aware of what the actual fuck of what is going on in my head. Normally I am little like woah but lately I am a lot like woah. So. Therapist suggests writing and getting the shit out at the end of the day. She knows I blog but it isn’t always the shit storm inside my head. It isn’t always the cray. So get the cray out. She also used some big words. So there’s that. There is always good reason to buy new notebooks and pens. Always.

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I will keep going even when I am unsure of it all.

Random

I have sat here on this post and edited it a few times now. I’ve trashed two of them. I’ve deleted and rewrote. I’ve been sitting here on the couch, in the chair, everywhere really. Poptart wants to go out, the dogs want to walk, I want to sleep. It is snowing out again. May 10th and it is snowing. Its not like a big deal but it was just in the 70’s so like uhhh what are we doing here mother nature….What’s up? Ok Happy Mother’s day mother nature…better? Back to almost summer weather? No, not yet. ok.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you out there. I can’t thank my mother enough for all the stuff she has been thru with me, put up with, helped with, taught me, everything. She is truly the MVP of all. Working 2 jobs, helping everyone who knows her in some way or another. She is also a nurse. Happy nurses week (although almost done. We got her a card and flowers and had dinner last week) She is going to start coming up on Tuesdays. Make dinner, talk about the future and what is to come and what has been going on. A different kind of relationship than we have had in the past. I am grateful that today I am able to have a relationship with her like this. Still learning.

May Mental Health Awareness month. Remember when I said I was going to write about stuff that we have available here for people. Well that hasn’t happened yet. I haven’t written about what we have here because really not many people from here read this blog. If they do they probably are aware. So anyways, it is mental health awareness month still. Check on your people. Check on your friends and family members. Send letters in the mail. A facebook message. A card. Anything to put a smile on someone’s face. “Always stay humble and kind.”

Moved onto to Live PD Cam show. Got nothing better to do today. Mom is working of course. I could go up and see Grammie but I would have to go to the store first. Maybe I’ll see what Jason is up to and if he wants to take a quick ride up. Jason does have church this morning and it isn’t even 8am yet……yet…..it is not 8am yet….Jesus when am I up.

I had peanut butter jelly time for breakfast. Not what I wanted. Both mornings have not been great breakfast but I don’t really want anything. As much weight as I have gained I’m kind of at a stand still with food. Nothing taste great. Nothing is filling or satisfying so I just kind of blah. And because I am just rambling now. I’m out for a bit.

 

 

 

Rambling

5/5/2020

Tonight is the full Milk Moon. The last supermoon of the year so I’ll be out there trying to capture it as long as it doesnt rain. I may also need a nap. I am done work a little early today. Therapy appointment. Here. We. Go. Anxiety. Anger. Thoughts. Take your pick. We will have things to talk about. Its a lot. Its already heavy. Freeing and heavy. Let go. Let go let god. Ive been working on that for almost 4 years. Ive been working on walking out of the forest for about that as well. I walked in for many years and here we are. I guess its time.

Sure. One thing at a time. Trust. One person at a time. How do you trust easily? How do you not have a wall up? How do you not cry? How do you smile all the time? Just. Keep. Going. Trust. What is trust. Its hard for me. I know that I have to trust the process. I have to have faith there are people ahead of me doing this day to day and there will be people after me.

During this whole covid thing I had maybe 2 breakdowns because of being stuck in the house. I have had multiple breakdowns due to my anxiety and bringing the past back up but also the uncertainty of the future. Realization. I’m not the only one who doesn’t have the answers. I have had many down moments and high moments. We get things done. We get moving. A lot of what I am learning I try to use. I don’t sit here and like to feel like shit. I’ve been there. I’ve struggled and I have lived in my head for 30 years. Today I’ll share with her the struggles of the week. I’ll tell her my shit and away we go. I sometimes feel like I forget everything that I have learned thus far. I feel like my old thoughts hit me like “bitch I’m still here.” I feel it. I also feel everything I have learned I use. I know I do not all the time but I’m so up and down that I must, right?

Now just ranting and rambling. Enjoy your day.

You are enough

May. Mental Health Awareness Month.

So I wasn’t really thinking yesterday I actually don’t remember the last day I wrote a blog, this weekend maybe? Monday? I am unsure but it is already/only Wednesday. I preformed 2 surgeries yesterday. That was good. We are going to hope for the best. It was on a strawberry and a kiwi. Very therapeutic to get the seeds from them. Due to our weather up here I am unsure if I will even be able to grow anything on them but ya know it can’t hurt to try and I’ll just be happy with getting a little green. Something to do to occupy my noggin.

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I wasn’t really thinking this morning when I got up and I am normally not. I knew I wasn’t going to shower. I am when I get home tonight. I opened the curtains no need to use the flashlight. “Whooooaaa heaven let your light shine down.” You’re welcome. Music. No I didn’t listen to music this morning. I saw clothes in my basket. Grabbed them and staggered down the stairs. I. dislike. mornings. more. these. days. I still get up early. (But we are also in bed by 8:30pm old couple we are) I still make my coffee and watch the news. More like stare at the TV and watch the weather. Don’t get me started on her though. Insert *eye roll* Hair did. dogs out. Poptart didn’t leave the kitchen even though I had the door open and leash on. Tough. You are now waiting until tonight

Leaving the house now at 7:12am. Sitting in my car oh realization. I am wearing Jay’s shirt. I have a post about him from awhile ago. Probably sometime in September.

Jay.

I got a call yesterday too from very close sister friend. Mom was coming over and I wasn’t sure exactly what time she would be there and I answered and mom showed up. I knew right away something was wrong. Tears. Shaky voice. Sad. Her uncle had killed himself. He was 70 years old. He was a priest. He was a father, an uncle, a grandfather, a friend, a brother, a listener, a fighter, a husband, he was so many things. We only talked for a few minutes before she got another call coming in. She had no idea. I have no idea. I don’t know what to say in these situations. I don’t know what to say for anything sometimes but just be that ear. Today I made a post to remember to check on your people. Today we are not alone. Today it is like hitting me. I didn’t know him personally but I knew Jay. I know my friend and her mom and some other family members but not her uncle. It just brings it back. It just makes you think. We are all going thru something. We all have things to carry. We are all breathing. We are here in this world and just like that we may not be. I bring up Jay because I have his shirt on today that his mom made for his friends after he passed away. It still hits me. It is how Greyson and I started actually talking and slowly becoming friends. Over a death of a friend of ours. It was hard. I was new into sobriety, he was dealing with things. It wasn’t easy.

No death is ever easy to handle and wrap our heads around. Right now it is an even harder time not being able to be with family and friends. Not being able to pick up and go to a loved ones house. To just be able to go to the store. It is hard but even harder not being able to have the wake’s and funerals like we normally would. Now I can’t imagine what her family is going thru. I am here for her always. I will always be there for her. My deepest condolences to the family. My heart goes out to them. She was there for me in my dark days. She will never let me forget the worst day of our friendship and today we still both cry. Greyson doesn’t even like hearing that story but it is part of mine. It is part of ours. It was life and it happened. But today I am here to talk about it. Just for today.

So please, if the only thing you do today is breath, that is ok. If the only person you talk to today is one person, that is ok. If you are struggling reach out. I have different numbers in another post, or call someone you know, go for a walk. You needed. You matter. You are loved. You are here. You are. You are enough. Always.

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Plants

Check in on the 4th. Its not going to be star wars related. I dont know as if I have even watched one star wars movie new or old. Im ok with it, they may be classics and maybe one day I’ll sit down and watch them but I’m really not into those kinds of movies and thats ok. Same with star trek and zombie movies. Just not my thing.

Just a little photography and garden life today.

They are still growing strong. I’m so ready to get them outside and plant them. I know it is too early, teaching me patients. I must wait or they could die outside. The life lessons I am learning. I was a little worried because the leaves on the peas feel a little funny but everything is still growing strong. I need bigger pots for some of them again. Ive been looking around the house to find things I can use without having to buy more. I know we have some and I have to buy more soil maybe. I also need an oil change so I have to prioritize money.

Memorial day. May 25th 2020. Im so ready for that day and if it rains ohhhhhh Ill be mad! But not extremely mad. Happy bc the ground will be ready but Im ready to plant them.

Patients.